8 NOVEMBER 2023 – SHARLA BORROWMAN
You Wanna Talk About WHAT?
In the past, long before the advent of the amazing internet and the open dialogue we enjoy today, society experienced quite a different scenario regarding discussions of healthy sexuality. They were often more rare because the topic was largely considered indecent or inappropriate, and as a sad consequence many people were quite misinformed or uneducated. Luckily, that is not the case anymore! There are scores of websites, podcasts, and books available to us now. But as the pace of life has increased, we often don’t have time to explore them fully. So if healthy sexuality is still a bit of mystery to you, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to understand and achieve consistently high levels of connection and satisfaction in the bedroom, despite a strong desire for it. It’s a topic most of us are interested in and yet with the way the world is shifting in the area of gender and sexuality, with all the many voices out there, it can feel difficult to discern what fits and what is going to be most helpful. It will obviously take more than one short blog post to address this topic, so I will only briefly touch on a few basic concepts that affect healthy sexuality across the board.
All The Things...
When we talk about healthy sexuality, we’re really talking about a lot of different things coming into play including relational, emotional, and physical elements. It’s essential to know yourself and your preferences, as well as being open to learning about and accepting your partner’s temperament and preferences.
Healthy sexuality and consistently fulfilling sex also relies on you being the healthiest version of yourselves, which includes filling your personal and relationships reservoirs, taking good care of your body & mind, and managing inevitable conflict in your family as healthily as possible so you maintain a desire to be together. Basically, great sex starts way before the bedroom.
Understanding the role of sexual desire and how it’s affected by what we do and experience, as well as knowing the sexual response cycle itself, are another set of keys to unlocking the potential for better sex in your marriage. Desire and response are often different between partners and they are influenced by many things, including gender and differing levels of hormones, individual brain wiring, what was personally experienced throughout the day or week, how it was interpreted or handled, and many other factors. Each marriage has a higher desire and lower desire partner (which may be either gender), and these roles can sometimes change over time. For most women responsive desire is the way their body naturally functions as they move away from the honeymoon phase, which means they rarely feel “in the mood” for sex until physical and sexual touch is initiated. This is very normal and nothing is wrong with either partner or the relationship, so expectations need to be adjusted to accept that reality. These are all good examples of the fact that when you understand the way the mind and body work, you have a foundation to build from and a better framework to navigate all the different dynamics. Many of us understand these basic concepts, but surprisingly many still do not. So, although it may seem obvious, the best place to start is simply educating yourself in these areas, or maybe doing yourself a favor by reviewing them.
“Behind every great relationship are difficult and uncomfortable conversations we rarely get to see. Great relationships don’t just fall into our laps. They require people to move through their fears and insecurities and do the hard work to move wounds into healing.”
– Vienna Pharaon
Bravery In The Bedroom
In our Healthy + Happy program, we also teach sexuality from a science based attachment perspective. Focusing on connecting honestly and with sensitivity is part of this, along with being fully present with the intent to deepen attachment as we seek pleasure and fun in the bedroom. Safe exploration comes more naturally when we pay attention to being sensitive and available to our partner throughout the week, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open in how we show up. When we allow ourselves to practice being not just physically naked, but emotionally naked as well, our authenticity invites openness from our partner too. In order to safely explore in any area in our lives, we need to strive to be a safe place and to have a healthy attachment with our partner. It’s no different in the bedroom. We are meant to be a safe base for one another to turn to when things feel uncertain, as well as a spring board that allows us to launch back into exploration once we feel okay again. It can feel extremely vulnerable to explore sexually, so it’s imperative that we be working on strengthening that loving, safe attachment with our partner instead of being avoidant or anxiously preoccupied.
So, you may ask “what does that look like in the bedroom?” Of course it can play out any number of ways, but ultimately it means we need to care about and be attuned to what makes our partner comfortable and turned on, as well as not being defensive with feedback we may get, focusing instead on being available and supportive in listening to what they share. It means – and this is important – that you overtly communicate verbally, as well as through other means that might occur to you, that your partner matters and is safe with you. Then you back it up by acting in ways aligned with that message.
On the other side of the attachment coin, we also must be willing to speak up and share our internal experience in real time with our partner, as well as afterwards as it seems appropriate. That willingness to turn to them and open our hearts and minds is the other half of what moves couples toward secure attachment, and subsequently, better sex. We need to speak up about what does and doesn’t feel good to us, without being critical of our partner in voicing our thoughts. This also means we don’t take advantage of our partners caring attitude to manipulate them to get what we want. With healthy sexuality, sensitive connection and loving attachment is always the goal, not just gratification and pleasure.
When you choose to trust the process and allow your partner the opportunity to practice catching you well, you choose growth. Granted, because no one is perfect and many of us don’t quite have secure attachments yet, things may not go perfectly smoothly. This is where you need to offer grace, and be willing and brave enough to keep trying, despite the vulnerability. Choosing and allowing this process eventually brings greater confidence in one another and increased levels of secure attachment and deep intimacy.
What Comes Next?
I want to encourage you to spend regular time learning about and practicing how to make shifts in your thinking and behaviors in order to be a healthy you and seek deeper levels of connection, love, and resiliency in your relationship.
-RESOURCES-
We would love to help you continue to learn about what healthy sexuality looks like in your personal life. Knowledge is power, but only if it is properly and consistently applied. In our Healthy + Happy program we take time to explore these important topics and how to apply them in your life. If that sounds good to you, you can book a free consultation session with Dr. Slade today at http://you.drdenimslade.com/discovery-call!