3 APRIL 2024 – ANDRESSA NYE
Can you increase your desire for sex with your spouse?
What about increasing your spouse’s desire for sex with you?
Like many women, when I was dating and first married, I heard and held a belief that men are always the “higher desire” partner when it comes to sex (imagine my surprise when I felt regularly that I actually had the higher desire during my early years of marriage!). I also knew from many other experienced couples that the drive for sex doesn’t last. After a few years or a few kids or more than a few arguments and irritations, sex drive declines and eventually permanently drops, leaving both partners either uninterested in sex or sexually unsatisfied.
But when I discovered the principles of Healthy+Happy sexuality, I discovered that neither of these misconceptions about sex drive are true!
It Starts with Attachment
Because of the need for women to connect emotionally before they connect sexually, many say that, for women, “sex starts in the kitchen.” By helping with dishes, housework, childcare, or any other daily task that a woman may feel is her responsibility, a man can potentially increase his chances for action in the bedroom later that night.
What this concept is actually getting at is attachment.
Dr. Slade has put it this way:
“Sexual intimacy is a mirror of what’s happening in the relationship on an emotional level. When you feel prioritized, loved, and safe, sexual desire is strong and constant for both men and women.”
Helping with chores is more than “lightening the load” so a woman has more capacity for sexual activity. It’s about seeing her in her moment of need. It is an opportunity for her spouse to show that he cares about her, values her, and wants to be available to her in every room in the house, not just the bedroom.
This concept is not just for women. When women help their husbands feel valued and show that they are a high priority, men will naturally want to seek out the closeness of sexual intimacy. Receiving emotional validation as well as sexual intimacy will increase a man’s attachment to his wife.
Everybody wins in a relationship when both spouses feel like they matter to and are safe with each other.
Sex is about connection, not performance.
-Matthias J. Barker, Psychotherapist
Investing in Attachment Never Gets Old
Unlike our minds, bodies, and capacities, our need to feel like we matter never gets old. Understanding this is the secret for maintaining, and even growing, sexual desire throughout our lifetime!
If you want your spouse to have a greater desire for sexual intimacy with you, try growing your emotional intimacy. Listening, helping, or being regularly available are all simple and effective ways to help your spouse know that they are a priority for you.
It is very apparent to me when my husband and I are investing in our attachment with each other. Our conversations feel more open, we tend to naturally connect more throughout even the busiest week, and yes, our inclination towards sex is more frequent.
Where to Start
Sexual desire and intimacy are important parts of a long-lasting, healthy relationship! And there’s no reason why you and your spouse shouldn’t be able to enjoy the benefits of a meaningful sex life for a long, long time.
If you feel like your relationship could use a boost in sexual desire, a simple intent to prioritize your spouse is a great place to start. Let them know they matter to you. Show up for them in their moments of need, big and small. Be willing to be vulnerable in your moments of need. As those feelings of security and value increase, so will your attraction to each other.
-RESOURCES-
To learn more about healthy sexuality and attachment, join our brand new C.O.R.E. Healthy+Happy Community! In the courses included, Dr. Denim Slade walks you through the basics of attachment, how to preserve/increase it, and what it looks like to have a healthy relationship with sex and your spouse.
To join the community, click here.