26 APRIL 2023 – DENIM L. SLADE, PHD
Last month we discussed the importance of healthy communication in the midst of a conflict, AKA the ‘C’ in my Conflict Resolution CPR protocol.
But what about ‘P’ and ‘R’? What do you need to do besides communicate your thoughts and feelings in order to engage in conflict that leaves you feeling closer and more connected than you were before? And I know…that seems too good to be true, but I really want you to get this: healthy conflict is an AMAZING THING for your relationships.
What is It?
So let’s break it down. What’s the rest of the formula?
Protect & Preserve Attachment
The P stands for “Protect and Preserve Attachment.”
This is of the utmost importance, even in the midst of an argument. Remember, attachment moments occur when we are emotionally disorganized or vulnerable; this means that a conflict moment is also an attachment moment!
In order to protect and preserve the attachment and maintain a secure base for your partner, you need to make sure that they know that they are safe with you…and that they will ALWAYS matter to you.
This isn’t always easy to do, especially when emotions are raw, but you need to be very clear that this is about the issue, not about you not mattering to me or not being safe with me.
Conflict is inevitable,
but combat is
optional.
-Max Lucado
Receive
The R in Conflict Resolution CPR stands for “Receive.” Unlike the first two parts, “Receive” focuses on the listener rather than the communicator. As the receiver, your job is to help the communicator feel understood–to feel heard!
THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO RESPOND …the time will come for you to share your feelings and perspective but now is not that time. This can be especially difficult for some personality types (I’m looking at you Rs) but that is why Conflict Resolution CPR takes PRACTICE. It takes time to learn how to fight well, so be patient with one another as you both learn.
After you’ve taken the time to listen and receive what your partner has told you, switch roles.
The receiver becomes the communicator and the communicator becomes the receiver.
Why Does it Matter?
Why does it matter? Why fight according to a formula?
Some of you might even be thinking that it’s better to get your thoughts and feelings out in the heat of the moment than calmly approach an argument and leave some things left unsaid.
But the REALITY is that when you follow Conflict Resolution CPR, nothing is left unsaid. You will find that you communicate your thoughts and feelings more effectively than ever before, the only difference is that you’re doing it in a way that isn’t traumatic or accusatory.
What Comes Next?
So with this new information, the next step is to PRACTICE. You don’t need to seek out conflict or anything, but as conflict arises, keep these steps in mind! You will be amazed at the difference it makes in the way you and your partner feel.
-RESOURCES-
In this post, we discussed Attachment and how it influences the CPR model of Conflict Resolution. To learn more about Attachment, click here to read a recent blog post discussing the topic.
You can also tune into the Healthy+Happy Podcast Episode 10: Listen to get more insight on Conflict Resolution CPR.
For additional support, you are always invited to join the Healthy+Happy 7 Facebook Page! We’d love to have you as a part of our Healthy+Happy Community.