1 February, 2023 – DENIM L. SLADE, PHD
One of THE most difficult things in life is regulating our emotions. When we get hurt, scared, embarrassed, sad (depressed), nervous (anxious) — in other words, when something happens to disorganize us emotionally, what can we do? What are we going to do to try and cope with those feelings and get feeling good again? HEALTHY ATTACHMENT IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE ANSWER!
What is It?
It is a theory of development that helps us understand how to relate and interact with each other better than any other theory or tool that I am aware of.
There are things that are unique about an attachment relationship that make it hugely important because there are emotional needs that we all have that can only be met– or, at least, most effectively be met –by the primary attachment relationship.
A primary attachment relationship (also known as a secure base relationship) is your source for mattering and safety.
There are only three relationships that can adequately serve as a secure base:
- parent
- spouse or significant partner
- God
Why would those be the only three relationships that can function as a secure base in our lives? Why couldn’t it be just anybody?
The answer to those questions lies in the levels of access and sensitivity that it requires to provide a secure base.
Life is best organized as a series of daring ventures from a secure base.
-John Bowlby
Why Does it Matter?
Research has consistently shown that NOTHING works more effectively or quickly to help us get reorganized emotionally than a functioning secure base — NOTHING! Attachment, and especially the relationship with the secure base, is a cycle of getting our needs met. All people have two fundamental needs: self-worth (feeling like they matter to who they should matter to) and love and belonging (feeling safe with the people they should be safe with). These needs are met through the secure base attachment relationship, generally with a parent or spouse.
What Comes Next?
When we are disorganized emotionally (upset, sad, scared, etc.), the only thing that we can control is whether or not we are going to do our part to try and cope in a healthy way, or not. We can either choose to vulnerably turn toward (the healthy option) or away (the unhealthy option:) from our secure base. After we have done our part to cope well, it is now up to our attachment figure to decide if they are going to cope well or not. If they are there for us (availability) and respond sensitively to us seeking them out, we get re-organized emotionally. THAT’S IT! If that simple process has occurred, you have done the very best thing possible, to regulate your emotions, and IT HAS WORKED. Then, we are able to return to living our lives, taking risks, and exploring the world, allowing us to progress and grow. If they are not there for us or they respond insensitively, we will do something to try to correct, like maybe seeking help/comfort in a different way. They may be there and respond better after that, leading to the rest of the healthy cycle. Or, they may not, leading to an unhealthy cycle of us trying different things to get our needs met and our secure bases failing to respond well, which leads to our two primary needs not being met over time.
I am constantly thinking about attachment in my relationships. “Safe Environment” is a frequent refrain heard around our house. I don’t want anything going on that creates an unsafe environment that would make it more difficult for us to vulnerably turn toward each other. I try hard to have the courage to do that when I am emotionally disorganized (I am worse at this than I am at being a good secure base when people come to me). And I try really hard to recognize attachment moments and to respond with sensitivity and availability; putting my phone down, turning off the TV, turning to face the other person, and listening to and validating what they are feeling.
-RESOURCES-
To learn more about Attachment, check out this episode of the Healthy+Happy Podcast that talks about the different Attachment Styles!
You can join the Healthy+Happy 7 Facebook Group for more information on Attachment and all the other topics covered in the Healthy+Happy Coaching Program!