25 OCTOBER 2023 – RACHEL M. SLADE
In relationships, “fighting” is often seen as a bad sign—a sign that something is wrong in the
relationship, that two people aren’t a good fit, or even as a precursor to divorce. In addition, arguing is often unpleasant, uncomfortable, and emotional. It’s natural, then, that people often focus on avoiding conflict altogether, or feel guilty if there is conflict in their relationship. But the best way to have a healthy relationship isn’t to avoid fighting, it’s to learn to fight well.
What is It?
We have a handy acronym hear at Become Healthy and Happy to help people learn healthy conflict
resolution: CPR. “C” is for “Communicate,” “P” is for “Protect Attachment” and “R” is for “Receive.”
If you are the one wanting to address something, you’re the communicator. Your job is to communicate the behavior that’s bothering you, how you feel about it, and why. “I” statements are a great way to avoid sounding critical or accusatory, which usually leads to defensiveness. For example, “When you didn’t respond to my text all day, I felt hurt because it seemed like I wasn’t important enough to you for you to take the time to shoot me a message.”
If you’ve been following along with us for a while, you’re probably familiar with attachment theory, but even if you’re not, the “P” in CPR is pretty simple—make sure you reaffirm the other person’s
importance to you, and make it about a behavior, not about their character. A good tip is to overtly state something like, “I love you and our relationship is important to me, which is why I want to address this.”
If you’re not the one bringing up a conflict to address, you’re the receiver! Your job is to listen to make the other person feel understood. It’s not enough to understand if the other person doesn’t feel like you
understand.
A lot of times, conflict is more about wanting to be understood by the other person than about whatever the issue is. To help the other person feel understood, listen for the behavior that’s bothering them, how they feel, and why, and repeat that back to them until you get it right!
Author Brendon Burchard said, “Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.” Conflict is not only inevitable, it’s a crucial part of a healthy and happy relationship. Unfortunately, like in so many other areas, we’re not born knowing how to resolve conflict healthily.
Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.
-Brendon Burchard
Why Does it Matter?
Like I said before, healthy relationships HAVE to have conflict! Conflict is not a red flag—in fact, a complete lack of conflict is a red flag. Since conflict is unavoidable and important, it’s crucial to learn to resolve it well.
There are times in our lives where conflicts might come up more. My husband and I have a new baby right now, and navigating that has led to plenty of opportunities for conflict resolution. Luckily, we’ve been practicing CPR for conflict resolution throughout our entire relationship, and while we certainly don’t always do it perfectly (or at all), it really makes a difference when we do! Even when things are hard, being able to understand each other and express how we feel in a healthy way helps me feel like we’re on the same team.
What Comes Next?
As a coach, I absolutely love teaching healthy conflict resolution! It’s simple and so effective. Myself or any of our other coaches would love to meet with you!
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If you’re interested in learning more, click here to book a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Slade!