7 JUNE 2023 – DENIM L. SLADE, PHD
Today, I wanted to take a deeper dive into the C Temperament. Cs have so much depth, leaving a lot to unpack. But when you take the time to understand how the C brain works, you’ll find that there are some really predictable aspects within the C relationship dynamic.
Cs:
1. Have a very strong desire to be seen, and to feel understood.
2. Have a difficult time knowingly, or intentionally doing something to make the situation uncomfortable for themselves or others.
3. Struggle to change the cognitive channel.
Desire to be Seen/Understood
“I want to matter – all of me to matter” illustrates very well this first aspect of the C temperament, we are going to talk about. Cs profoundly want to have deep connections with people. They don’t want to just be noticed for their looks, clothes, hair, etc. In fact, they will frequently be uncomfortable when too much attention is being paid to those things. They want to feel like others are interested in what they are thinking and feeling – what their dreams, hopes and aspirations are. Ideally, Cs are willing to open up and be vulnerable so that the important people in their lives can “see” what is going on inside. However, Cs frequently struggle with the required vulnerably necessary for others to really understand what is going on inside the C.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
– Brene Brown
Don’t Want to ‘Rock the Boat’
At times, the drive to be seen and understood takes a back seat to the principal C drive for comfort. It goes against almost every instinct the C possesses to knowingly do something that they think is going to make a situation tense or uncomfortable for themselves or others. When the C gets upset or disorganized this process leaves the C brain in a dilemma. On one hand, they desperately would like the other person to know and understand how they are feeling about whatever the situation is. However, on the other hand, they don’t want the discomfort of sharing their hurt, frustration, or whatever other negative emotion they are experiencing. This conundrum frequently leads to the C brain trying to figure out how to accomplish both of these things at the same time. The result usually looks like becoming passive-aggressive, withdrawing, ‘pouting,’ or stewing in their negative feelings.
Struggle to Change the Cognitive Channel
That brings us to the last variable I want to point out. It is extremely important for the C that things be and feel emotionally settled! When Cs are unsettled emotionally the default is for them to process, chew-on, and ruminate over whatever has them unsettled until they can feel settled about the issue. They will continue to work on something for however long it takes for them to get whatever it is settled emotionally. This innate strength predictably becomes a challenge when the C brain is stuck in the mire of being
upset, frustrated, or hurt by someone or something, AND also being unwilling to openly address it because it is too uncomfortable.
When there is not anything that you can/need to healthfully do about a situation in the current moment, the healthiest thing to do is to ‘change the cognitive channel.’ If we continue to dwell and ruminate on something that we can’t or are currently unwilling to do something about, continuing to spin on it keeps us trapped in the negative emotions that we are feeling. To be a healthy C it is imperative that you recognize when this trifecta of your temperamental characteristics is in your way. In these moments you have to force yourself to do something or think about something that requires your brain to shift gears and get focused on something else. It typically takes practice to figure out what things will work for you to accomplish that. Listening to an audiobook, exercising, calling someone up and talking about something totally unrelated, an act of service, are examples of things that frequently work for people, but you will have to find out what tools will predictably work for you. What you do isn’t overly important. What is crucially important is that you do SOMETHING that requires your attention enough for your brain to let go of the other situation.
This doesn’t mean that you are settling for not being seen/understood about whatever you were feeling. It just means creating the healthy space for your brain to be able to address it when you are in a better place emotionally. And this way you do not have to sacrifice being seen, and understood, or the discomfort of trying to communicate when you are super disorganized emotionally.
It is very important for Cs to manage their need for comfort AND to be seen/understood. If not, the connection they crave all too often gets sacrificed due to fear of being further hurt and in an effort to avoid discomfort. When Cs don’t make an effort to allow and foster connection, it leads to them feeling very isolated and can lead to depression. Also, please remember that this is a skill, and it takes practice to get good at. Have a grace and be kind to yourself as your practice healthfully navigating this common conundrum for the C brain.
-RESOURCES-
To learn more about the C Temperament, check out this episode of the Healthy+Happy Podcast with one of our amazing coaches, Cary MacArthur.