20 MARCH 2024 – EMMA K BAXTER
My husband Kody and I had been married for about three months when I finally looked at him in exasperation and said, “Can you just yell at me?!” We were in the middle of what I would call an argument…but he wasn’t a part of it. His responses were ‘fine,’ ‘you’re right,’ or ‘okay.’
He was so passive, I couldn’t even trust that he was sharing what he actually felt. And that made me even angrier!
You see, in my family, even the happiest of conversations took place in the midst of screaming. His quiet, thoughtful responses were maddening to me. And quite frankly, I seemed like an unhinged defense attorney to him.
Can you guess our C.O.R.E. Temperaments?!
Fights in a relationship can be like storms, but remember that even after the darkest nights, the sun eventually rises.
-Unknown
Two VERY Different People
You might have guessed it, but I’m an R/E and Kody is a C/O. We couldn’t be more different when it comes to our internal driving factors and communication styles.
Somebody should really gift the Rosetta Stone to newlyweds because it would take about that much to help translate the different ‘languages’ we speak!
For years I despised any sort of conflict in our marriage because I felt like it was one-sided. I shared my feelings and opinions while Kody kept quiet. And when he would jump in and share his thoughts on rare occasions, I was so happy for the debate that I did a REALLY poor job of just listening.
A Turning Point
It wasn’t until years down the line I met Dr. Slade through a family member and Kody and I began taking his classes. When we reached the Conflict Resolution unit, it was like a lightbulb turned on in our lives. The formulas were simple and effective, we didn’t feel like the dynamic was forced (though it did feel a bit awkward the first few months) and we finally felt like there was a system that would enable us to communicate effectively without hurting each others feelings!
Kody began to share his feelings with more frequency. It felt like he was getting all his cards on the table instead of the usual ‘one’ that I was so bothered by in the early days of our marriage.
I learned to listen with more intent, trying to understand how Kody FEELS instead of listening so that I could argue back.
Safety & Connection
Perhaps the most important change that came from Conflict Resolution CPR was the safety and connection that it promotes. I know right, most people don’t leave an argument feeling GREAT about their marriage, but most of the time that really is what happens. I’m not saying that it works like that every time. In fact, we learned to go to bed angry and give each other enough time to cool off before continuing the conversation. But when we do finally reach a resolution, I can honestly say that I feel more in love with Kody than I did before the argument started. And he says the same thing about me.
When you fight the right way, everyone wins. And you don’t leave the conversation vying for first place, you leave it feeling grateful to have a partner who is willing to take the time to have these difficult but necessary conversations.
-RESOURCES-
If you feel like your relationship could benefit from Conflict Resolution CPR, check out this episode of the Healthy+Happy Podcast or book a discovery call with Dr. Slade today!